8/31 Dreaming

It is so strange to me that I should still have so many school-related dreams. Last night I dreamed I tried to set up my own sub, forgetting that the person should have a degree and clearances. The major themes of the dream were about getting to school on time. It really does amaze me that it all worked as well as it did for all those years.

I thought yesterday about all the things I thought I'd have time for once Bob went back to school. I have been trying to fit them in, little by little, but I haven't touched the piano or picked up the box of things that need a little repair. The days seem to fly by, just as they did when I was in the classroom.

The other night when our friend Bob was over for dinner, I got an email from a former student (I guess they're all "former" students now!) about her first day at the high school. As I read it, I had the only glimmer of nostalgia. I do miss my colleagues, horribly, but that is tempered by the knowledge that I will see them when I want to. Students are different: most of them probably won't remember they had me, or be cognizant that I am gone. Their lives go on and I won't have any more stories to share at the dinner table, or at parties.

That really is the only "regret," though. Every time I open the paper or listen to colleagues talk about what is happening in their buildings, I am glad I no longer have to fight the system. I think of all the things that have gone by the wayside as the emphasis on testing continues to grow. Students from the past talk about the things we did as a team, back when all anyone talked about was the multi-disciplinary approach. We went through peer editing, transition to workplace, grading in pencil, formative evaluation, cooperative learning, project-based curriculum, inter-disciplinary units, teacher as facilitator, I could go on and on.

Every time, we thought we had the answer or at least were a step closer to it. And every time, just as we got good at what we thought they wanted us to do, it changed. The most recent changes, though, are the most alarming. In our district at least, there was a single-minded focus on the tests and the prescribed curriculum. If we followed the "rules," there was very little place for personality and creativity in a field where those two things were what set apart the good teachers from the mediocre ones. Students didn't care whether you were on the correct page of the curriculum for that date; they cared that they were learning and that you were at least fair. If you were also an adult they could trust and and enjoy, so much the better. My fear is that there is less and less to enjoy.

8/30 Ladies Who Lunch!

Today I am meeting our friend Patti, who retired last year, for lunch at Bahama Breeze in Robinson. I purposefully set the date to make sure that I didn't forget to have some relaxation and fun in between geriatric care and house projects. I am looking forward to it.

I have thank yous to write for the gifts I got on Friday night, as well as cards for Ward and Shawna. It still hasn't truly sunk in that I just don't have to get up and go to work every day. I got an email from a former student who is starting ninth grade. She lost her mom last year just before school started. She is a wonderful kid, bubbly but not obnoxiously so, and just an all-round good person. She was excited to be starting ninth grade, and at the same time was accepted for volunteer work at the hospital. She was going to get her TB test checked so that she could begin training for that. I expect great things from her in the future, and that is what I shall miss: being a part of people's future.

For the moment, I'll have to stick to enjoying that vicariously through my friends who are still teaching. In the meantime, I'll plug away at working for the Planning Commission here to try to improve the community. A second hotel is being built at the Water Front and we are planning some activities to help improve the part of the borough that people pass through on their way there. It is exciting, and I am hoping I can keep track and keep juggling the tasks.

Last night, we saw Horrible Bosses. A funny movie, though no 9 to 5, which I just recently rewatched with my mom. We had our friend Bob to dinner and the three of us went to Loew's at the Water Front. All in all, the evening must have been relaxing, since I did sleep through the night. It was either that or the Benadryl I took before I went to bed.

I managed to clean and organize at least part of the tool room yesterday and today I will try to buy some more boxwoods for the side yard. When I think of what I would be doing if I were still working, it's overwhelming. The normal back to school stuff is bad enough, but the added stress of a different building, new administrators to work under, new colleagues and multiple preps might have put me over the edge.

Dinner: burgers, oven fries and corn. A true summer meal. Tomorrow begins the challenge of using the party leftovers.

8/29 First Day I Would Have Had Kids

Classes begin today, so I will put my feet up in sympathy with my former colleagues who will be exhausted by the end of the day. The weekend was busy, but fabulous. It began with what I thought was going to be dinner with my two best friends from school and their spouses. I made potato salad for six, packed it up and headed for Shawna's house. So, it turned out to be dinner with about 30 of my most intimate friends from school. Hard to believe that in the middle of preparing for the year she is about to have, she had the time and energy to plan and execute a surprise retirement party for me.

It was a great night, since I know that I will see her and Ward, but I'm not so sure about many of the others. As our lives get busier, unfortunately many people are relegated to the back burner. Not pleasant to think about, but true. It was a great opportunity to feel loved as I had a chance to connect with these people again. Most importantly, talking to them made me realize how lucky I am to have been able to make the choice I made.

Shawna will be teaching all five levels of French this year, including AP and CHS for Level 5. The materials she has are minimal, since the previous teacher (furloughed late last year) had done it for several years and had developed many of the materials herself. Having taught Level 3 last year will help her, since she knows where those kids are, and Level 2 will take some doing, but is not that difficult. But it will take some understanding on the part of the administration to get her through this year. Let's hope that is forthcoming. Her work ethic and dedication will be her greatest assets.

Ward is back in the classroom after several years of Technology Coaching. He is a great teacher, so I'm sure the kids will benefit, but it will be tough at first.

Meanwhile, I continue to struggle with my to-do list. I have been waking up almost every night about 3:00 a.m. and not being able to go back to sleep for at least an hour. That has cut into my morning work time, since I usually don't fall back to sleep until almost the time I'd set for myself to get up. I think I've been careful not to set too ambitious an agenda, but there are some projects that have to be done in a timely manner. The application for the part-time job (more about that later) had a deadline, and some of the yard work and housework have windows of opportunity as well. Besides, I'm just plain getting tired of having some things hanging over my head.

In any case, I've practiced good "sleep hygiene" just like the last time, it's just not working. I may have to resort to Benadryl for a few days in a row to break the pattern. The last thing I thought I'd be doing was having school dreams and losing sleep once I retired. Not fair.

The rest of the weekend included having a gathering for a friend of the family who really is a part of the family. She turned 90 last week and we hosted her and her actual niece and nephew to celebrate. It was a great evening, and I'm glad I did it.

On Sunday we cycled with our friend Gary to the Boston Waterfront to hear a blues band they recommended. It was a great experience: perfect weather for sitting outside and listening to good music with good friends and some good food thrown in. We biked back to dinner with my family and today is PT and a visit with my sister.

So all in all, life is good. My thoughts will be at school today, hoping that the day brings good things to all the good people involved. This is the first time in many years that the academic year really has nothing to do with me. That will probably take some getting used to. A friend who had a very hard time in high school ("I hated it," is his summary) told me recently that for years after he graduated college and worked full time, he still got depressed around September. We concluded that the "back to school" feeling might never truly go away. I'll let you know.

Some food highlights: Friday night, one of my former colleagues said, "I knew when I tasted it that this potato salad must have come from you. It tastes so good."

Tonight: hamburgers for the two of us and a friend, followed by "Horrible Bosses" at the Water Front. It won't hurt to be reminded!

8/26 First Friday

Wow, I've already broken my vow to write every day. Yesterday was well-spent, however. The main event was an appointment with our financial planner. That helped me let out a psychic breath I'd been holding for weeks. Since I don't turn 55 until October, I won't apply to draw pension benefits until my birthday to avoid a significant penalty in my monthly check. So for the next few months, I'll be drawing on our "nest egg" to cover expenses. That had me really nervous, but once we looked at the overall picture and she reassured me, I felt much better. I highly recommend hiring a professional to help with this aspect of life. Ours has worked wonders, and it is as much because of her expert handling as our willingness to sacrifice during our earning years that I was able to retire this early.

Once I had made the trip to Green Tree and back, I spent the rest of the day at home. Gary stopped by and I made lunch for us, then my mom came up for help with her checkbook. I had the chance to try a few new recipes I got from my brother-in-law, caught up on the phone with a few old friends and even had time to reflect.

Some of my thoughts:

It really is unfair that the east coast has had to endure an earthquake and the threat of a hurricane in one week. The quake was felt here in Pittsburgh; in fact, when Bob texted me about it I was at my mom's. I said, "We just had an earthquake." She replied, "Thank God. I thought I was going crazy because it felt like my chair moved." I had been running around her house doing some chores, so I missed it. But we have friends and relatives in Virginia and Maryland for whom it was more "adventurous."

It is also unfair that I am still having school dreams and waking up in the middle of the night unable to fall back to sleep for a while. I guess besides an internal clock, teachers have an internal calendar. Even when my dreams are not about school, they are far from pleasant. I have awakened every night since we returned from vacation, and even a few times there.

I really need to start writing things done and making lists. I am going to try emailing myself with a to-do list so that I don't forget important things.

Last night's dinner was my mom's favorite: grilled salmon, salt and vinegar roasted potatoes, roasted red onions with tomato and roasted asparagus. (Hmm...I'm picking up a theme.)

8/24: Welcome back in-service

This is more like it. We both awoke before Bob's alarm went off, but not too long before. I was able to wake up slowly while he prepared to cycle to school. My day began more in the routine I hope to keep. I ran, picking up trash on the way home. Then my yoga workout, shower and breakfast. During breakfast I texted with friends who were attending the annual welcome back spiel at school. One colleague pointed out that my usual seat was left empty in my honor. Awwww!

I was able to sort out emails and begin work on planning commission matters that will come up over the next few months. In some ways, yesterday was a false start. Too many appointments, and the overwhelming feeling that even without working I'll never have time to tackle all the tasks on my list. Today I am calmer. I am allowing myself this week to get things organized. I have to meet with my financial planner tomorrow to set up my pension options. The more physical jobs will begin next week.

I have a few indoor projects left and the whole side yard to work on. Even with the to-do list, I feel as if I've hit the lottery or been given the most extravagant gift. There is nothing to compare with having the choice about how to spend one's time. As I ran this morning, I looked down toward the river and just reveled in having the time to do that. Once I get some of the major chores tackled, I'll be able to get back to something creative: writing, maybe. Needle work, maybe.

It reminds me of when I moved from the high school to the middle school fifteen years ago. I expected that the first time I walked into the high school I would be struck by a rush of nostalgia and memories. Instead, it was just a building. Although I really miss connecting with my friends in person, I have no sense of something going on without me, or being left out of the loop. Just an incredible, intense, immense feeling of relief. Having someone else's priorities imposed on what I did every day had become a burden, especially because I felt those priorities weren't necessarily the ones that would benefit kids the most.

In any case, I am living the dream!

8/23: First day of No school

So, for the first time in more than 26 years, I don't have to go to an in-service, arrange desks, paper a bulletin board, hang posters, tack the Spanish alphabet above my blackboard, print out seating charts and soak my feet. I had intended to retire in two more years, but as one friend put it, the perfect storm of circumstances came up and June 10 of this year was my last day as a teacher. My plan was to blog my last year of teaching, but since I didn't know it would be my last year of teaching until May I'll have to settle for blogging my first year of retirement.

I didn't really feel retired until today when my husband went to his first-day in-service. Before today, it was just a summer like always. I am still processing the whole thing, really, since I didn't have that build up: last parents' day, last Christmas break, last field trip, etc. Suddenly I was just done. More about why later.

So now, no excuses not to do the things I've always wished to have time for. I will (and do already) miss the kids and my friends and colleagues, but not much else. Those who teach know what I'm talking about. There are many things  that are not obvious to an outsider: the oppressive heat when classes start in late August in a building without air-conditioning; the unbelievable ache in your feet that first week of standing all day; the hoarse throat from all the talking the first few days as you lay down the rules for the kids.

What I'll miss is the absolute possibility of that first week. The possibility that this will be the best year ever. The possibility that I will reach every kid. The possibility that I will finally find that perfect way to teach verb conjugation.

I flatter myself to think that maybe I have left a hole there, at least for some people. For the past 15 years I taught eighth-graders and loved it. We had fun every single day. Well, okay, maybe not every single day, but definitely most of them. I monitored sixth-grade lunch and my favorite tribute was the table of sixth grade boys in my section who were despondent when I told them I was retiring. One boy summed it up as only sixth-grade boys can: "It really sucks that you're retiring," he told me. "My brother said he really liked your class."

I didn't have the heart to tell him that even if I didn't retire, he'd never have the chance to be in my class. My district chose to eliminate the foreign language program in the middle school because of financial concerns. So by the time he was at the high school, I would have been gone. But that's a story for another day.

Today, I sent hubby off to his "Welcome back in-service," kept two appointments, took my mother to PT and got ready for tonight's Planning Commission meeting. I'm trying to figure out when the "retired" part happens!

Today: 9:00 massage, 1:00 haircut, check in with the Mamá, dinner, Planning Commission meeting.
Dinner: grape leaves, lentil salad with roasted red peppers and tomatoes, Greek lemon chicken soup (a successful experiment in technique), fresh peach slices.