The best laid plans

The first time I read The Great Gatsby, I remember getting to the scene where Mr. Gatz finds the notes that his son James made for himself that included his daily schedule, and thinking, "this is me!" Somewhere in my own "archives," there is probably such a list. 

Maybe that is why teaching appealed to me from a young age; perhaps I intuited that lessons had to be planned carefully. The idea of accounting for one's time, minute by minute, seemed normal and natural. And for 26+ years that is how I made my way. Then I retired, and started to help care for my mother.

Every day I wake up with a plan in my head. Unfortunately, some of the plans are formulated at 3:30 a.m., when I can't sleep. They usually include jumping out of bed at 6:00 when Bob leaves for school, accomplishing several tasks before 9:00 when I wake my mom up for morning medications and "breakfast," and then accomplishing several more tasks before showering and then getting her out of bed and dressed and having lunch.

In any case, a lot of what happens after that depends on her. Our plan might work just as it was conceived: smoothly and efficiently, allowing us to get everything done. Or it might not. Usually, it does not, and it is not always her fault. As in teaching, I monitor and adjust all day long. 

Oddly, I sometimes have to force myself to let go of the plan. I have to remind myself that many of my obligations are self-imposed, and if I don't get the bathrooms scrubbed today, or the groceries bought, or any of those things that keep life going, done right then, all will still be well. I have to slow down to match my mother's pace. And it is all okay. 

Odd that back then, my idea of discipline and efficiency was making a schedule and sticking to it, and now I feel successful if I am able to chuck the schedule without guilt. One Wednesday, I headed to the game room with the laundry and turned on the tv for company while I sorted. It was 7:00 a.m. And USA was running The Interpreter, with Nicole Kidman. U.N. interpreters are the rock stars of the translation world, and I love that movie. So I decided to blow off whatever else I had planned that morning and cuddle up on the couch and watch the whole thing. During commercials, I brought my breakfast down and had a second and third cup of tea. It was one of my best retirement moments so far. 

Well, back to work. Have to have the kitchen cleaned by 9:00!